Melt the Pounds Away
By Ridgely Goldsborough

The kids rousted me out of bed at two ticks past 0'dark thirty AM. I promised them a trip to the playground, a commitment that earned me a poke in the eye from a tiny finger prying my eyelid open. After a colourful ritual of syrup, jelly and toast, we piled into the car. Off we went.

After about an hour, two other children arrived, followed by their parents, a fairly large couple, no less bleary eyed than yours truly. The father wandered around while the mother sat on the bench out of harm's way.

A few minutes later, Linus leapt off the swing, spied the woman, stopped, planted his feet, parked his hands on his waist, stared at her for a moment and in complete four year innocence blurted out:

"Do you eat a lot of pizza?"

Mortified, I buried my face in my magazine and waited to see how she would respond.

"No, uh," she said, her face a few shades darker. "Not that much."

"Whew," I sighed to myself. "Dodged a sensitivity bullet."

Despite my embarrassment, in the kids-say-the-darndest-things department, I knew Linus revealed a sad truth. From the age of 20 forward, most of us carry too much weight.

I bounce from fruit in the morning to cabbage and grapefruits in the afternoon, from carbohydrate deprivation to the funky mushroom in the fridge, from Pritikin to Atkins with a quick trip to South Beach in between.

I drink spirulina cocktails spiked with wheat grass, slug egg whites `til I gag, dine on carrot stick sushi without the rice.

For what?

I march myself into the bathroom for a morning inspection only to discover that my friend the Michelin Man still adorns my midriff, clings to me like one of those odd marsupials that hangs upside down from its mother's saggy pouch.

What a wasted effort.

In conversation with a personal trainer friend, you know the type — lean muscles, disgustingly envious six-pack-he shared a painful BGO (Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious):

"You know, Ridge," he started. "You'll never shed an inch unless you burn more calories than you ingest."

Huh? What? Really?

Duh!

"I never thought about it like that," I exclaimed, feeling fairly juvenile.

"Most people don't," he continued, "the main reason most diets don't work and why I stay in business."

"What about protein loading and metabolic enhancers and five meals a day and thermogenics and . . . "

He shook his head, cut me off with a smirk, "Doesn't matter. You won't lose an ounce unless you use up more than you stuff in. End of story."

Well, hallelujah — somebody tar and feather me. How come I didn't hear this before? I might have made it into a calendar or a swimsuit commercial.

After decades of sprouts and watermelon juice, I finally captured The Holy Grail: Burn more than I consume.

Piece of cake.

Or maybe not.

How many miles will it take to work off a slab of German chocolate?

What about a juicy burger and fries?

Did you know that a piece of lettuce contains fewer calories than it takes to digest?

I guess that's why bunnies never lose their hop.

That's A View from the Ridge . . .

Author Ridgely Goldsborough publishes The Daily Column; humorous and inspirational stories designed to touch our hearts. Please take a moment to subscribe at no charge at www.aviewfromtheridge.com.